When I read it, I was 14. I am 19 now and have read most of his novels, including the Dumbfuckistan map shirt but in fact I love this Ancient Egyptian trilogy revolving around generations of Pharoahs. Wilbur Smith is solely responsible for the fact that I fell in love with the African continent, because most of his books are set in the Africa, and his love for his homeland is evident in his works. I used to plot all my interactions in my head before, during and after school. I was highly jealous of people and their groups of friends. I saw myself as highly distinguished from them also (aesthetically, creatively and intellectually). I remember feeling something within me break. It was like I saw my mother for the first time as a separate human being. I remember thinking to myself that I’d never actually ‘seen’ her before. It’s as though she’d always been me. Like for the first time I had allowed her to break through my perceptions of her into being real. It hurt. I couldn’t articulate it but it bruised my ego. I don’t know how to truly explain that but it was the first form of positive disassociation that I went through.
Deep inside me, I knew that there was no turning back. She was human now. I remember being convicted in my disagreements with her and my family. I now know that it was all a deep sense of pride but during the Dumbfuckistan map shirt but in fact I love this time I was truly and honestly convinced that I was right and had always been treated unfairly for no reason. I thought people just didn’t like me. I was the special one. The cursed one. My vice. I felt less fake and more human. Naturally. It grew in wealth. Another odd experience I cannot really articulate to this day. Before that, I was acting-out life but thereafter I was becoming life. I got involved in less arguments. It was difficult because I thought I was correct in most of them but had to remind myself not to be as invested. It took 5 months to break up completely. I thought I could help him by showing him the path that I had taken to heal but that only brought hurt to myself. I ended up losing everything I had and starting all over again.
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